I don’t want to write a story. It will take too much of my time; time I could spend thinking and dreaming about Jack and our wedding in Hawaii in October. It all still seems like a dream to me and will probably continue to feel like a dream, even when we are standing barefoot on the beach pledging our love to one another. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a romantic movie, or reading a romance novel, it’s all very surreal at my age.
I still can’t resist asking God every once in a while, “Why Me?” How can I possibly deserve this man and all this happiness? Who deserves two incredible romances in one lifetime, when there are some people who never even get one? I know it’s not a matter of deserving really, but I still feel guilty. As I see it, I have already lived the perfect love story once. What more could a woman ask for than to be cherished and adored for 45 years of her life by an incredible man? You all know that story of course since I’ve been writing about this man for the last couple of years. And yet somehow God has seen fit to bless me again. This time with Jack. He is a man of such integrity, honesty, charm and strength, that I have to wonder if I am up to the task of being his helpmate, but I’ve decided to give it all I’ve got.
I started writing the next chapter in the life of Jack and LoRee, and I realized that I have been holding back from fully embracing the joy of this relationship for fear it might blow up in my face. From the very beginning this relationship has been “fairytaleish” (not a word I know) and I keep telling myself, “He may be your Prince Charming, but you ain’t no princess honey”. There was a time when I actually thought I was Cinderella, but I soon found out I was more like one of the ugly step-sisters, selfish and entitled. Every time I tell someone about our plans, I feel like I’m talking about someone else. Surely this can’t be happening to me.
I thought by now surely I had outgrown my feelings of not being worthy of this kind of love, but it seems some old wounds never completely heal. Maybe that’s God’s way of reminding me that I’m still, after all, only human and capable of being extremely selfish at times. The difference this time around, as opposed to when I was younger, is that I am able to look at myself more honestly now. I can recognize and assess my faults, and put them into perspective sooner rather than later. We need to be reminded every once in a while that we are mortal in order to keep our feet on the ground and keep from hurting those we love. I also have the assurance that if I ask for God’s wisdom to make this partnership everything He wants it to be, He will gladly grant me that wisdom.
So, as we approach our “HWD” (Hawaiian Wedding day), I find myself getting more and more excited and less and less anxious. I have a knowing in my heart, put there by God I’m sure, that I am suppose to be with this man. The fears, questions and concerns have been replaced with a wonderful sense of peace and assurance that God is part of this relationship and He will always be there for us.
I’m so happy I embarrass myself sometimes with my almost constant silly grin, especially in public places. In the market sometimes I find myself stopping in front of men’s toiletries, smiling and swaying back and forth and thinking to myself, “Pretty soon those bottles or cans will be sitting on my bathroom counter”. It’s amazing the little things you miss as a person living alone, that you never even realized you missed. Jack has left a few items in my closet that he will be taking with him to Hawaii when he returns and I love opening my closet door and seeing his slacks and shirt hanging there. Now I have the pleasure of cleaning out my closet and chest of drawers and getting rid of some of my clothes and shoes. “Wait”, I thought to myself, “did I really just say that? Ms. Clothes Horse herself is happy to be cutting down on her wardrobe? Well there you have it, she must be in love”. However, cleaning out my closet was painless this time, because it meant Jack’s clothes would be coming to stay and not just visit anymore.
Something else I realized today is that I don’t just miss Jack anymore, I long for him. I’ve never really given the difference between missing and longing much thought. You can miss someone because they are not physically in your presence, as I miss my daughters or grandchildren sometimes. But I think to long for someone means there is a yearning in your soul so strong that it is almost physically painful to be apart. A yearning to touch, hear and see that someone, because only then do you feel that all is right with the world. Only then do you feel safe and secure because the two halves have become a whole once again. Feeling whole is a gift from God I think.
So once again I ask God, why me? The answer is simple and always the same, “Because I love you and I want the best for you. You are my child after all”. All I can say is AMEN and HALLEUJAH and thank you Daddy!